Messed up, and no mistake

I’m going to see Doctor tomorrow, to see what I can do about my emotional state.

Because it’s been bad lately.

The highs and lows have been returning. In spades. (Bipolar, remember?)

I don’t like it. Not one bit.

And the biggest blow happened today.

Because it slapped me in the face – rather harshly – that it really doesn’t make a whit of difference whether or not my personality and inner nature would shine in a gentleman’s eyes.

When you really get down to it, all that matters to men is what I look like on the outside.

At least, all that would matter to this particular gentleman is what I look like on the outside.

Funny, that…. Guess I wouldn’t have expected him to be so….shallow….

As my aunt Mary quickly messaged me, there are plenty of people who love me for me – namely my family. And I understand that, and I appreciate that, and I love them all very much.

But I was right.

It doesn’t matter who I am on the inside.

He would never care about me. He probably wouldn’t even look twice at me.

Because I’m not ideal enough on the outside for him.

In that regard, I will never ever be good enough for him.

And I know it.

That kinda killed me.



It’s a pipe dream after all. Wishful thinking after all.

Been crying ever since.

I know I shouldn’t let it bother me so much….but it does.

Because….I’m still in love with him.


Perhaps in future, I will attempt to sing this song myself.

But certainly not now.

I mean, I tried. I just couldn’t get through it without sobbing.

So I’m just posting it for now.

This is a song from the soundtrack to the 2005 film “Elektra.”

It’s Evanescence with “Breathe No More.”

In case the embedded MP3 doesn’t work, here’s a audio video version.




Oh, just so you are aware, I have plans for at least three video blog posts to occur in the future. So, I guess, be on the lookout for those.

I’d say everything else is just peachy, but, no, it really isn’t.


Got a splitting headache now.

Gosh, I hate that. When I cry so much, I get a massive headache.

And I’m sorry about that, for crying so much.

Time to take some Tylenol (ONLY TWO!!!! – never fear!) and head to bed.

I’ll try to do better next post.


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