What, a guy? What a guy!

(….no, not really….)

love-130v

C actually posted something earlier that got me thinking about this topic.

I’ve never really been in a relationship before. Ever. I mean, I tried at one, but it didn’t work out. And I’ve had crushes on several guys in the past, only to find out they were already attached or else they liked other girls.

It is nice to know that, perhaps, somewhere out there, the right guy is out there for me. There’s a moment in the movie “Badlands” where Holly waxes melodramatic about the “….man [she’ll] marry….” which is sort of how I sometimes feel.

I don’t know. The subject of love is….I just don’t talk about it much. Or even think about it much. Because I’m being realistic when I say it just won’t happen for me. Like Miranda Lambert sings, “I’ve given up on love/’Cause love’s given up on me….” That’s taken entirely out of context, but it’s how I feel. (It’s “Kerosene,” and it’s a great song.)

But then, there’s more to it than that….

So why am I doing this post?

I don’t know.

Posterity?

Vanity?

Vulnerability?

Because I’d be lying if I didn’t?

Because you’re curious and want to know?

I don’t know.

So what am I looking for in a guy?

I don’ t have a big long list of criteria.

1) My potential suitor would have to be accepting of the fact that I have a mental illness (a couple, actually), and that I will most likely be on medications for the rest of my life, and he would have to be able to handle my ever-changing moods. This is the true kicker, and why I believe no man would ever want to be with me. I’ve been told several negative things about my depression and my falling in love, namely that I’d be an unfit mother to any child I would have.

2) By the same token, my potential suitor wouldn’t try to change me or ‘save’ me from myself. I know who I am, and what I am. He has to love me as I am, lumps and all.

3) My potential suitor would need a good sense of humor. Both to make me laugh and to convincingly laugh at my bad jokes, and be able to understand my warped sense of humor….or total lack thereof.

4) I wouldn’t mind a potential suitor who was a musician/writer/artist. A love of music, though, would be most important.

5) My potential suitor would have to be tolerant of a large extended family. My immediate family isn’t so much – just Mom, Dad, Older Sister, and the two Brothers. My relatives and extended family, however….that’s a different story. Consider that very sentence a warning in and of itself. It’s nothing bad, though! My relatives would just tease and rib and bait him, as well as me. It’d probably be awkward, no matter how I much I would try to prepare him for it.

6) And finally, my potential suitor would have to like and/or love cats. I mean, he’d have to love animals in general, but especially cats, because I am a cat person, and I would want to have a cat or two around.

That’s it. That’s all I’m looking for in a guy. Someone who loves me as I am, who loves music, who has a sense of humor, who can survive my family, and who’s good with cats.

That’s it, folks! That’s all she wrote!

As for any relationship, well….

~ Any potential suitor should expect it to be a long time thing. If I give my heart, it’d be for life.

~ Any potential suitor should know that money and looks don’t matter to me. The one relationship I was ever in, the guy was, well, a big guy, and he was not so well-off, but he had the biggest heart and he was really sweet and really nice. (And I do hope he has since found the love of his life.)

~ Any potential suitor should know to expect long silences, because I’m not that great a talker. In fact, talking is as intimate as I’ll want to be for a long time. That said, I am a good listener.

~ Any potential suitor should know that I believe good relationships are not always about the physical. While it is certainly part of a serious relationship, and while I’m not about to wait until marriage (because I don’t think I could do marriage), I’m not just going to jump right into bed on the first date. Sex sort of freaks me out a little. I read a certain part in The Bell Jar, put the book down after reading that part, rolled my eyes to the sky, and said aloud, “Knowing my luck, I’ll be one of those one-in-a-million type cases,” and I really don’t know if I want to go through something like that. So, yes, it is a fear thing, and therefore, yes, I am still a virgin.

~ Any potential suitor should understand that I will constantly be doubting myself, trying to comprehend why he likes me so or could love me so. I’d always think he deserves better than me. And if the relationship does go bad, it would never be his fault. It’d be mine.

There’s still more to it than that.

But I’m done for now.

Thanks for reading, and please don’t think me too self-centered or hasty or vain.

love-148a

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3 thoughts on “What, a guy? What a guy!

  1. I was where you are at one point. I have no idea if I am older or younger than you, but coming from one who once believed no one could possibly accept me with all my mental health issues, deal with all my insecurities, and ever really love me for who I am…well, I came to see after many years I was wrong. There people out there who are very patient, tolerant, accepting, and strong enough. I have bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, O.C.D., major anxiety issues, & A.D.H.D. It’s not been easy to keep friends, jobs, boyfriends, or finish projects. I have been a loose cannon, on and off medicine. One of my biggest mistakes was I often chose people who are unstable, who are as much of a mess as me in one way or another, some worse. Two unstable people generally do not work well together, so I have found out. 😉

    I found a great guy though, finally, just this past October. He is patient, stable, driven, a hard worker, compassionate, accepting, respectful, and loving. He is strong enough to put up with my crazy mood swings, patient enough to stick by me when it gets really rough, and never once has he judged me or lost his temper. I don’t know what is best for you since I don’t even know you, but I would definitely suggest making sure someone you decide to enter a relationship with be patient and understanding. I definitely say hold onto hope, your love might just be out there. I had lost hope and then my prince in jeans and a tee-shirt came out of no where driving a Vibe, not carrying long stem roses or reciting sonnets, but with an honest and loving heart who never seeks to change me, just believes in and loves me. I think you can find that too, I really do. ❤

    • Thank you so much! I do have hope, I always have hope, and I know there are men out there who would understand. It’s just….I have my doubts. But I’ll keep my eyes and mind open. =)

      • Understandable to have doubts, but I am so glad to know you’re also holding onto hope. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you’re less special or important than you really are. Your mental health issues don’t define you, I choose to say they just make us more interesting. 😉 I will be praying for you and if you need to talk to someone who knows what it’s like to deal with these type of issues, I am here. We must all stick together! 🙂

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