The years have all faded
my dreams are all dead
my room is a mess
and so is my head.
Remember that January 15th?
Had I accomplished what I meant to do that morning, I would have only been seventeen for ten days.
I don’t mean to think about it. It’s way in the past now, and everything has returned to some semblance of normalcy.
But I can’t forget it.
At the time, it all seemed so brief, fleeting. like a dream. But it remains. Nothing has changed, not even me. But I have changed. I can’t forget. I can’t remember.
I can’t take it back.
I wouldn’t want to.
That’s what nobody understands. That I do not regret it.
But sometimes I wonder if moving on has been best for me or just for everyone else.
I don’t know everything. I don’t know who I want to be. I don’t know what I want in life. I don’t know what I want right now, maybe not ever.
All I know is that at times, I don’t want to hide or pretend anymore. Because I just hurt so much inside. It tears at me. One day, there won’t be any ‘me’ left.
I don’t know why I’m saying all this. You probably think I’m just whining and complaining again, and so don’t want to hear it. And despite all the past wordiness, I’m really not good at expressing my feelings. So most of the time, I keep everything bottled up inside. There are times where I want to tell someone how or what I’m feeling, but I don’t know how to describe it in a way anyone would understand….so I keep quiet. That’s why I even cry without sound – so that no one pries, because no one would understand the tears in the first place.
I’ve said I don’t want to talk about love and all that wonderful stuff. It’s not that I’m afraid of all of that. It’s just….this is where I think I aspire too high. Why keep wishing for something that’s never going to happen? No one will ever love me back.
The truth is I wouldn’t have any idea of how to cope if I were to mean the world to someone else.
I don’t know.
So, fragments. Still attempting to piece self back together.
I wish I could be a better me, for you.
While not the song I had in mind as I wrote this post, this song contains apt sentiments. Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp, also known as The Wreckers, from their 2006 album “Stand Still Look Pretty”….the song is “Stand Still Look Pretty.”