I am truly sorry.
That momentary radio silence was actually a miniature nervous breakdown.
And I’m very sorry about that.
No, nothing bad happened. Nothing bad caused it.
Quite the opposite.
It was all good things.
Everyone’s been so kind and caring and supportive and so, so inspiring. And I really truly appreciate everything and everybody, with all my heart.
I just wish I could deal with it better.
I had a hard time dealing with all the good things.
It’s nobody’s fault!
It’s all me.
I just got scared.
And it is so difficult to explain why. There isn’t anything I can say that will truly make sense. (Once again, the ‘Backspace’ button is taking a lot of abuse as I write this.)
I really did debate how to handle this. Do I just say it all, right here on the blog? Do I send a personal e-mail? What do I say without sounding like I’m whining and complaining, or being too overdramatic? What should I do?!? I’ve been trying to make a post for a couple days now, but shying away. I even had the thought – once – to just leave, to delete the blog entirely. Until I remembered I promised I wouldn’t.
So I guess I’ll just say it all.
I’ve never really been an inspiration to anybody or for anybody. So when another blogger wrote something really deep and really beautiful and then told me that I was partly the inspiration behind it – that scared me.
Everyone has been so open and honest as well. About many things. Certain things. In the face of all that openness and honesty, I just felt really small, inadequate, phony. And terrified. ….But just remember what I said – that everyone is welcome. I really do mean that.
The angel picture is, that’s just me trying to be as true as I can be, to myself and to others. Of course I’m not really an angel. I don’t pretend to be. Nobody’s perfect. I am a perpetual girl, perpetual kook, perpetual bookworm and observer, perpetual virgin, and I am only human, for good or for ill. The picture of the real me is wholly because of C – like I said, if she isn’t ashamed of how she looks, then why the heck should I be? And there are some people who have told me they appreciate being able to put a face to the blog. So that’s the story behind ‘Mouse as she seems to be’ and ‘Mouse as she really is.’
I wasn’t going to mention this, but I was bullied as a kid. Despite thoughts to the contrary, I guess I haven’t really gotten over it. So I am still very insecure all the time, and I have a hard time dealing with positive things, compliments and the like. It’s also why I have a hard time trying to comment on other bloggers’ meaningful posts.
I’ve mentioned my dual mental afflictions. Yeah, they’re still around. That’s why, too.
(To a lesser extent, I also saw something I shouldn’t have, against my better judgment. It ultimately had no real bearing – the reason I mention it is it just sort of served as a ‘final straw,’ briefly severing a link with sanity, in a way. That’s all I have to say about that.)
All of that just caused me to freak out.
And so I fled.
God, I’m such a horrible person! Really, I’m just a wreck. Despite my true age, I’m still very much a child.
I guess I don’t know how to be better, but I want to be. And I want to stay, and I want to keep writing. Because everyone else inspires me to be so, to do so.
Though I honestly don’t know where to go from here.
While I hope not to lose any readers with all this, I would understand if no one wants to stick around.
But before you go, at least give a listen to one more song.
I kept going back to this one particular song over the past couple days. Because it means how I feel.
Might seem an odd choice of song, might not make any sense, but somehow it does.
Besides, who says the ‘they’ and ‘them’ in this song have to be people….?
And I have said I will not let ‘them’ get the best of me this time….
This duo is Michelle Branch and Jessica Harp, and they are known as The Wreckers. From their 2006 album “Stand Still Look Pretty,” this song is called “Hard to Love You.”
I’m sorry if none of this made any sense. I promise I’ll try to do better the next post.
Whenever that may be.
*pushes ‘Publish’ before she changes her mind*