No, no picture(s) this time. Just words. And a song.
Overall, things have been fine lately. The job is going good. Life with the family is good. The writing is getting better. I’m all set with guitar lessons; by March, I’ll be signing up for voice lessons as well. So, that’s something to look forward to. And I can’t wait to see how it all plays out (no pun intended).
I mean, certainly it’s not all great. Things can always get better. But, you know, we’re getting by. We will get by. I’m not complaining in the meantime. Heck, I’m not even really worried.
So I don’t know what pent-up anxieties I could have had that caused me to go on an almost hour-long crying jag this morning.
You have to understand something. With my dual afflictions, stuff like mood swings and tears are sort of….commonplace for me. Par for the course, as it were. (And I usually don’t talk about it, because I said I wouldn’t, but today….)
But usually, such emotional things hit me at night. When I’m alone in my room. Trying to sleep.
The bad thing about the crying jag this morning was it started while I was riding the bus in to work.
So I was at work when most of it happened.
Haven’t had a crying spell like this in quite a while. And I sure as heck have never experienced one at work before, at any place I’ve worked.
Luckily, I’m still relatively new to most people at work. No one really knows me. There was also a staff meeting going on at the time. So anyone who could have stopped by my desk was in the staff meeting. So I was able to hide away, as it were, without anyone being any the wiser.
And I cry quietly, most of the time.
I did my job as usual – I printed off and posted the daily calendars outside the conference rooms, and I pulled all the mail and looked it up for distribution purposes, and I put away the supply order that had arrived yesterday (my day off). Crying all the while. I was very careful not to look anyone in the eye.
I did call my mom, though. I was like, “Mom, I can’t stop crying.” And it was bad! It was like Older Sister’s reaction to the Valium from long ago (but that’s another story for another time). Mom couldn’t figure out why I was crying. Because I wasn’t upset about anything! Not that I know of, anyway. Not that I could think of. I was focused on the work day, as usual. As I was talking to Mom, I was organizing paperwork, using the hole puncher, putting it in the binder. Crying all the while.
I just….started crying, and I couldn’t stop.
So, I did what anyone else would have done: I ‘self-medicated.’ Don’t read into that – I said yesterday I will never do anything of the sort. I was just in need of something stronger than water to drink. So I went down and got a soda. Caffeine – a cure for what ails you. It stopped the tears and cleared my head somewhat. Mom suggested I splash some cool water on my face, which I did, and that helped. And Ann, one of the accountants in the office, had a job she needed my help with, which further occupied my mind (thank you, Ann, even though you didn’t know).
Don’t ask what precipitated all the tears. Because I don’t know. I can honestly say it wasn’t possible flu, because that has never made me cry before. And like I said, mentally there wasn’t anything unusual going on. I didn’t do anything or feel anything or think anything out of the ordinary this morning.
It was a typical morning.
Except for the hour-long crying jag. At work.
It was sort of scary, actually.
It’s been a while since I last saw Doctor. I think another visit is in order. And I don’t think ‘Just keep doing what you’re doing’ is enough anymore….
But you know what? Now that I’ve made that decision….I feel much better.
Once I got all settled, the rest of the day proceeded as usual. I finished my daily work upstairs, took my lunch break, and finished up the day down in records.
I’d forgotten that the forecast called for rain this afternoon. (Yeah, in January, in Iowa!) So when I left the building to head for the bus stop, there was a cold drizzle.
A cold, cleansing drizzle.
I actually sort of giggled about it.
No, not for irony’s sake.
No. It felt like….a righting of the road, so to speak.
I was raining internally this morning. Now it was raining outside over the city at large. Washing away all the melting snow, all the salt and silt of the season. On a grand scale, washing everything clean.
It almost felt like a blessing. It just felt right.
And so….I broke out my little MP3 player. And listened to one song, over and over, on the way home.
I was going to save this song and post it this coming Tuesday as the next Tune for Tuesday (because January 15th is sort of an important date). Well, I’m just going to have to find something else for Tuesday now. Because I’m posting the song now.
It’s a song by a band named Travis. It’s from their 1999 album “The Man Who.” And the song is called – ta da! – “Why Does It Always Rain On Me?”
Yes, believe me, I know it’s not the happiest song in the world.
But listening to it today, I didn’t feel sad or upset.
For whatever reason, it made me feel better. Strange but true.
Because this time, I’m not going to let it get the best of me.
I don’t know, really. I don’t ask. I just….try to live.